I want to live so much I want to throw this table out the window to prove it.  I want to live so badly that I want to fight someone to show God how serious I am.  I need to live so much that I will traverse the earth to find a cure.  But I am too tired.  I grasp at straws hoping they are branches of an unseen tree.  I stare long at hard into the night sky wondering what is out there.  I look into myself wondering what, or who I am.  I got sick just to realise how much I don’t know and how much I want to understand. I started this blog to start sentences with “I”.

Man I am getting poetical in my early senility 😛

Ok, so what happened today.  Broke my fast, started the Marshall Protocol and had a day of food restriction relaxation.

First to the Marshall Protocol.  For my blog on it go here.

I have decided to start this protocol for several reasons.  The main one I must admit is that I am desperate.  The fact that this is not a great reason does not make my decision wrong, however I have to understand that I really am running out of options and I am likely to jump at any ideas that I come across.  Anybody else considering following in my footsteps also needs to understand this.  Beyond this I also find the idea fits with many of my ideas about cancer and healing.  Specifically that cancer is much to complicated to understand, that putting labels on every cancer is overlooking several fundamental problems and that in order to facilitate healing we have to allow the body to heal itself.  It must also be noted that even if my recent experiments with fasting were working (which I suspect they did but not to the extent needed) I can not keep that up too much longer.  When I look back at the progress and occasional improvement of the disease it is possible that the patterns I have observed fit with the ideas in the MP.  They might not but they might, and that is enough for me to throw everything at it.

On to today, it was a weird day.  I had to take an Endone last night.  I can no longer cope with those like I used to.  I was up half the night in a mental state that can best be described as off kilter.  Load noises spooked me, I felt like I was hanging on the edge of psychosis.  I don’t know if I was but it was not a pleasant feeling none the less.

This morning I was not feeling good due to the after effects of the Endone and the lack of sleep.  I then broke my fast badly.  I have to admit that I have pushed myself further than I can go with diet restriction.  I am just not strong enough to fast indefinitely.  It is also almost impossible to fast well when you have already decided that what you are going to do when you come off the fast is the truly exciting thing.  So I pigged out on nuts and oils, something one should not do when ending a fast.

So I decided to have a free day.  A day when I could eat whatever without guilt.  Interestingly I stuck to veganism, not sure why, but I did.  I suspect that I could not go as far as cheese without having real mental problems.  Certainly meat would not do my mental state any favours even if the damage to my body was shown to be nil.  But it was certainly a day of much food that I had not had in a while.  Peanut butter, bread, honey, oh how these once so simple foods have become the things of legends in my mind.  I will tell my grandchildren of the day I had four peanut butter and honey sandwiches in a single day (I may even have five if I can find some more peanut butter :P)  For these transgressions I have promised myself no guilt or reprisals.  The oath of one dying man to another, it would be hard to break such a promise.

I felt panicked all day.  I must admit to being scared about starting the MP.  It is the fear of a man stepping off a cliff with a parachute his friend packed the night before while watching TV drunk.  I have no idea what is going to happen and that is both exciting and terrifying.  It could be a stimulating ride culminating in a perfect chute release or I could have last weeks TV guide strapped to my back.  Isn’t life fun.  But within those words I have a serious point.  We get so hung up on an idea for healing that it can be hard to let go of.  I was sure that lifestyle and diet where all I need and letting go of that is hard.  In the end I have to remember that we are playing for keeps here.  If something doesn’t work try something else.  If that doesn’t work try something else.  If people say nothing will work live just to show them how FUCKING WRONG THEY ARE.  Hmmm, anger issues much?

I must also remember that taking up the MP actually deviates from lifestyle and diet approaches less than it deviates from common supplementation.  I still intend to meditate, stick to a whole foods diet, I will just have to remove some foods (such as flax seeds :() and stop supplementing.  Supplementing was something I was never big on in the first place so it is no major loss.  The MP recommends a low carb and sugar diet based on the fact that the biota within our cells can utilise the sugar directly.  I do not believe that a low carb diet is a healthy long-term diet.  However I am prepared to use it temporarily in order to kick-start a process.  I’m sure I will have more to say on this topic as things continue.

So today was a day of smoke and mirrors.  Specifically me grasping semi psychotically through a world I can not fully see or understand.  We shall see how it turns out.  Certainly things are exciting.  We shall see if the excitement is all hype or if there is truth within the promises I make myself see in the unproven work of others.

May all your shoes turn out to have laces and all your socks have only comfortable holes. BAM. out.

J