Life Is Complicated

It is one of the great paradox’s that something that gives so much pleasure can at the same time cause so much pain.

This afternoon my cousin Cristi and her partner and children stopped by our new house.  It was so pleasant to see how the  kids have grown and how well the whole family looks.  They gave us guard fish for the house, a fixture which we were sorely lacking before the visit and one that I feel much safer with than without.  It gave me great joy.

And yet it brings things crashing into view.  I spend much of my time withdrawn from many of the things that used to fill my life.  This is not deliberate however arises from the load of my new life and the disability the illness has forced upon me.  I wish to live a long life, I wish to see my cousins children grow old.  I would like to have kids of my own and watch them grow old.

It is easy to forget these things in the humdrum life I lead normally.  But when something so pleasant happens suddenly I am forced to acknowledge that perhaps I am not as content with death as I would think.  It is a great joy to see these people I care for so much, however there is truth in the Buddhist idea that all attachment brings suffering.  I do not intend to sever my attachment to those I love, so I guess I must suffer.  It is joy and pain, and I am learning more and more that those two can not exist alone.