EP, so many EP’s

I am so angry I could scream.

I am so desprate I could cry.

I am so depressed I could curl up in a ball and die.

I do not know what has happened.  Where a week ago I had hope now I have none.  Where a week ago I was happy now I am rarely.  I feel as if everything has come down on me at once.  I do not want to live out the rest of my life as my body deteriorates around me.  I have never been one to consider suicide but I am so depressed that it has crossed my mind.  In the end it is not something I could do to the people around me, but it gives you an insight into the desperation I feel that it came up at all.

I am fasting, that might well have something to do with the depression.  It is sort of my Hail Mary move.  So far it has done nothing.  I have decided that due to the lack of progress I am going back on chemo and radio.  I have to try and get my leg under control.  Very soon it will be very bad.  I am desperate.  And Angry.  And Sad.  I am in tears every day, I can not muster the motivation to do anything.  Without my parents and Amelia I do not know what I would do.  This is not the end to my life that I imagined.

I am falling apart, there is no other way to describe it.  And I don’t know what to do.  I am ready to die, but I am not ready for 6 months of slow deterioration and humiliation and the hands of this disease.  After all that I have done this would be too much.  FUCK.

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About jeromepink

I am slightly taller than average, have brown hair, enjoy rock climbing, and got told I would be dead within 5 years in 2010. I have chosen to disregard this :P
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3 Responses to EP, so many EP’s

  1. Take care Jerome … depression is the pits and something you don’t need right now. Everything I can cross is crossed for you …

  2. Kate says:

    Jerome,
    I do not know you or your history with alternative cancer treatments. I am going to share a website with you, with a direct link to a page that gives information on how “buy time” when you are in an advanced stage so that you can look at options. You may already know about this site, and I apologize if you do. The site has lots of political info about the cancer industry; ignore and go straight to the various cures if you don’t want to read the rant. The site is dedicated to helping people find cures that actually work, and in many cases, cost little or nothing. I hope you find the information useful and again, I apologize if this kind of sharing is unwelcome. I have no financial interest in any of these protocols or the site itself. I just ran across your blog and felt moved by what a difficult struggle you are going through. I had uterine cancer several years ago but other health problems have cropped up that I am struggling with. I can relate to the emotional roller coaster you have shared.

    http://cancertutor.com/BestTreatment.html

  3. David Haas says:

    Hello,
    I have a question about your blog. Please email me at davdhaas@gmail.com
    Thanks,
    David

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