Anger bubbles and simmers beneath the surface. Ventings off steam, hinting at it’s power. I try and accept this anger, to understand that it is real, but what good does this do. For this anger is not meant for a world like this, it was bred in another time.
It is an anger that speaks of desperation. Something is horribly wrong. Something is threatening my life, the continuation if my genes. What could such a situation be. It is not a sudden anger so it is unlikely to be an attack by something. It is much more likely to be some form of suppression or standing threat from a person or group of people. And things must be getting desperate. The situation is not being resolved. So the anger builds. Overwhelming all sense of rational thought. For it has to. Something is so wrong that nothing else appears to be solving it. The time for restraint is over. It is time to fuck things up. To throw caution to the wind and take everything or leave with nothing.  This situation is not going to be helped by thought. It will only be helped by rage, unadulterated and supreme.
But the world in which this anger is born is long gone. Somewhere along the line humanity got lost as the world changed. We started eating rich foods all the time with little though to the consequences. We took the meaning away from life and replaced it with an unending toil and little satisfaction or understanding. We decided that stress was something to be ignored, not a warning that something was wrong. We pumped pollution into every conceivable environment and assumed it would have no affect. Then we wondered that our bodies, honed over millions of years of evolution, where not coping. A pandemic of diseases, unrelated except for the fact that they seemed to be the result of the body attacking itself, malfunctioning at a base level, and they seemed to be very strongly correlated with wealth and affluence.  And the reason we posture? Genetics, longer life spans, anything but the treats that we claw desperately to our chest and the flaws we hold at arms length pretending not to own or see.
We deserve these things. Don’t we work hard? Don’t we provide for our families. We deserve our bacon for breakfast, our morning coffee or two, our lunch time light beer, our afternoon donut, our post work scotch, our steak for dinner (maybe marinated in some concoction if sugar, salt and acid) with maybe a bit of red wine, our post dinner stupor in front of the tv with a beer and a piece of cake before bed. We work hard, at stressful jobs and we need all that stuff to keep the stress at bay. Our doctor gives is zanex and valium, what can be wrong with that. Antidepressants are plentiful, how could there be any other solution.  What do you mean all this might make me sick? No don’t be silly, we are just living longer, that is the reason behind the rise in disease. What do you mean the greatest rise is amongst children and young adults? Well I’m sure there is a reason.
And so we sit here, clueless and stupid. Slaves to our own greed and desire. We pollute our bodies and neglect our souls (used here not in a religious context but to represent our search for fulfilment.) And nothing will change. I can almost see the people reading this blog, or one like it.  In the end you might say, “interesting point”, “some scary ideas”, but in the end you won’t change a fucking thing about your lives. If I could speak to every person on earth for an hour and explain the perils of modern living nothing would change. Because we are all victims of our evolutionary past. We are not designed to think long term. We are short sighted, selfish pleasure machines with little to no self controle. And in the end I am just like you, selfish, shortsighted and angry.
And so I sit here, anger bubbling, seething, tearing at me from the inside for it seems that I am the one to die for the ignorence and shortsightedness of humanity. “Hate everybody” is says. ” Fight until they or you are dead” it pleads. But that of course is pointless. So I sit here and look at the human race and see for the first time that we are not as grand and flawless as we like to believe. We are arguably not even a species. We are just a collection of angry, scared individuals trying to survive in a world that long ago out grew us. To suggest a human “species” would be to suggest a collective will, something I see scant evidence of.
I sit here hating everything. I hate that we are so weak. I hate that we are so naive. I hate that we are so greedy. I hate that I was brought up in a world that knows enough to think itself clever when really all we are is dangerous. I hate myself for being no better. I hate this post for so poorly expressing a point I feel so passionately about.
Anger, hate, self pity, loathing. These are the emotions for today children. Do not shy away from them, they are real and here to stay. Perhaps if the whole world was terminally ill then we would understand.