I can not describe or understand how I can be so angry and yet not at the same time. I think of climbing, my friends, my children (clearly the idea, not the reality,) and suddenly I am so angry I could kill whoever our whatever is in my way. That sounds like me being dramatic but right now it is true. When I think of the future I could have had my anger is boundless. I look at the 20 year old me, the world at his feet, and yet no clue of how lucky he is. Fury does not begin to describe my anger but it is as close as it gets. I thought I had become comfortable with the situation. But I guess right now that is not true.
Of course right behind this monumental anger is devastating sadness. To give you, dear reader, an idea of a thought process that pops up a lot I will describe the two most common.
I remember a climb or watch a climbing video. I become furious because I will never climb again. Then 5 seconds later sadness wells up inside, overcoming everything.
I think of having children. The idea of teaching them some of my favourite parts of science and maths. Going climbing with them. Watching them grow up. The same reaction, anger, sadness. This one is particularly hard as Amelia is everything I could want in the mother of my children. Something so few people can hope to find.
I don’t know where this post is going. It is fueled by anger and a need to do something, anything, with the anger. Fuck this situation, fuck this disease, fuck this world that thinks it is so advanced but is little more than cave men with a greater means of screwing over the poor (not that I am poor, and I am sure I have done my fare share of screwing over the poor.)
I could be so happy. I have glimpsed something people rarely see. I have a beautiful fiance who I would be honoured to grow old with. I love life. But instead of excitedly striving into the future I take pain killers to dull all feeling. All that is left is anger and sorrow. And there is a lot of anger.