Fear

I am devastated. I felt alone and horrifyingly afraid. I do not know what to do and I suspect things are slipping towards a brink. My breathing is not right and everyone I hear my chest “whistle” or “splutter” it’s like it’s laughing in my face. I always thought I could take it but I can’t. I haute this more than I can describe. I keep looking around for a door but there us none. I am struck. Cancer is awful. It destroys your soul. It takes every scrap of hope and light you have and destroys it in front of you. I’m am a shell of the man I was 12 months ago and I hate that. I do not know what to do.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO. FUUUUUUUUUCK.

It is just so unsatisfactory saying on a blog.

It is impossible to know what it feels like to have your life slowly drained from you as you watch unroll until it happens to you. I would not wish this on anybody. Give me a quick death any day. A quick slide when I am 90 surrounded by my great grandchildren, that is the way to go. Not this, never this.

I do not know what to do. I guess I will go home.

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About jeromepink

I am slightly taller than average, have brown hair, enjoy rock climbing, and got told I would be dead within 5 years in 2010. I have chosen to disregard this :P
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5 Responses to Fear

  1. Leslie says:

    You write . . . I read . . . you write . . . I read – have read everything and I haven’t written anything that I feel sounds right. Always thinking about you at so many levels – you express your feelings with such honesty and clarity – thank you Jerome,
    Leslie

    • Martin and Joan says:

      Leslie sums it up so well. Our words fail in the face of your courage and struggle.. Thoughts – Prayers – Love

  2. Cristina says:

    Hi Jerome, Yes, this is so completely fucked. No living creature should have to go through this. You have turned yourself inside out with your fight against this cancer. I wish you had more information so you weren’t having to interpret signs and symptoms. And of course I wish nothing bad was happening to you at all. Love from me

  3. Natalie Franco says:

    Still here reading and with you always.

  4. Lynn says:

    None of this is fair and we hate to see you suffer. We love you Jerome.

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