I am devastated. I felt alone and horrifyingly afraid. I do not know what to do and I suspect things are slipping towards a brink. My breathing is not right and everyone I hear my chest “whistle” or “splutter” it’s like it’s laughing in my face. I always thought I could take it but I can’t. I haute this more than I can describe. I keep looking around for a door but there us none. I am struck. Cancer is awful. It destroys your soul. It takes every scrap of hope and light you have and destroys it in front of you. I’m am a shell of the man I was 12 months ago and I hate that. I do not know what to do.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO. FUUUUUUUUUCK.
It is just so unsatisfactory saying on a blog.
It is impossible to know what it feels like to have your life slowly drained from you as you watch unroll until it happens to you. I would not wish this on anybody. Give me a quick death any day. A quick slide when I am 90 surrounded by my great grandchildren, that is the way to go. Not this, never this.
I do not know what to do. I guess I will go home.
You write . . . I read . . . you write . . . I read – have read everything and I haven’t written anything that I feel sounds right. Always thinking about you at so many levels – you express your feelings with such honesty and clarity – thank you Jerome,
Leslie sums it up so well. Our words fail in the face of your courage and struggle.. Thoughts – Prayers – Love
Hi Jerome, Yes, this is so completely fucked. No living creature should have to go through this. You have turned yourself inside out with your fight against this cancer. I wish you had more information so you weren’t having to interpret signs and symptoms. And of course I wish nothing bad was happening to you at all. Love from me
Still here reading and with you always.
None of this is fair and we hate to see you suffer. We love you Jerome.