I am devastated. I felt alone and horrifyingly afraid. I do not know what to do and I suspect things are slipping towards a brink. My breathing is not right and everyone I hear my chest “whistle” or “splutter” it’s like it’s laughing in my face. I always thought I could take it but I can’t. I haute this more than I can describe. I keep looking around for a door but there us none. I am struck. Cancer is awful. It destroys your soul. It takes every scrap of hope and light you have and destroys it in front of you. I’m am a shell of the man I was 12 months ago and I hate that. I do not know what to do.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO. FUUUUUUUUUCK.
It is just so unsatisfactory saying on a blog.
It is impossible to know what it feels like to have your life slowly drained from you as you watch unroll until it happens to you. I would not wish this on anybody. Give me a quick death any day. A quick slide when I am 90 surrounded by my great grandchildren, that is the way to go. Not this, never this.
I do not know what to do. I guess I will go home.