I jerk awake and instantly regret it. I have left a land of infinite possibilities for one of slow, committed drudgery. Life has degraded of late. I am no longer comfortable much of the time. My leg is once again sore. I have tumours everywhere. My breathing is slowly degrading. It has to be said, I no longer think confidently of surviving. In fact if I am honest I no longer think kindly of life. I just wish to be back asleep, living the land of my dreams.
I had my birthday on the weekend just gone. I turned 26. Despite the circumstances I had a wonderful day. The weather was perfect and a lot of good friends turned up to Floriade for a picnic with live music unexpectedly but pleasantly playing in the background. The day was wonderful, but it was tainted by my realising that it would almost certainly be my last birthday. Not that I have every really cared for birthdays, or at least not since I left my early teens, but it is a shock to realise that you might be turning the oldest you will ever be. Forever in the eyes of those I will leave behind I will be 26. Forever young. At least, forever kind of young.
Life has become boring. I went climbing the other day in an attempt to liven things up. I had a great day but I can no longer climb. I became exhausted just trying. As a man who used to like pushing things to the edge scrambling up a 15 on top rope with my head spinning is not enough. I have though about trying to go to a choir or something to give me some excitement. Then I realise I have no idea where to go and I get depressed that even a choir, as conservative as it is, is probably too tiring for me to handle. I do not have the energy to do these things. I barely have the energy to walk around the block.
I makes me sad that this is the way things are going to end. I saw the death of the British indy car driver Wheldon in the states yesterday. That is the way to go, doing something you love. Pushing yourself, participating in something you believe in. Not in bed, tired, bored and boring.
Life had so much to offer. How did I end up here?