I would give it all away for one day on my old life. I can see this life slipping away and I don’t want what is left. What is left is nothing but decline and pain. I hate this more than I can express. my life is over. I have very little left. The love of those close to me keeps me going but I have so little left and I can see that slipping away.
I see degradation on my leg and think to myself “well hopefully I will be dead before they have to chop my leg off”. I am sick of this whole fucking thing. I just want to sit in my chair, watch some nice friendly tv and gently fade away. I will certainly not get that. I will go back to hospital. I will probably lose my leg. I am so angry and sick of this shit that I can not write well. I just want to be peaceful and happy as I go. I will not get this. I just want to be peaceful.
Nobody is to blame directly. But our medical system is more broken than most people know. So much money is spent on drugs that give just a few more months of poor quality life while almost none is spent looking into people who have cured themselves with cheap or free lifestyle methods. I know these people exist because I have met them. There is so much money at stake in this game that if a cute was discovered by one of the major drug companies it would be in there best interests to bury it. So it is little wonder that these cheap and sometimes affective methods don’t get looked at. Some people mange too cure themselves with little knowledge and just the advice of other people who have done similar things, imagine if we had used some of the trillions we have spent on drugs to fine tune these methods. But we don’t because on the ends money rules everything and ignorance is bliss. And now I, a man who was as ignorant as the next is going to die for it. Little good will come of my death. Perhaps I will write a brilliant blog that will convince you that the system is broken the way I know this blog will not and that will be some good. But I doubt it. 5 years ago I would have looked at my ideas now and thought I was just a conspiracy nut. “People get cancer, its a fact of life. Pollution, bad diet and high stress have nothing to do with it. What do you mean big drug companies and the fda make so much money from cancer that they in fact stifle many areas that could lead to cures. You are just crazy.” So I will probably not have an affect. But fuck I am still angry.
If I could scream via blog I would.
Humans are not a species, we are a collection of selfish individuals. And until we remember this we can not evolve.