Wake, pill, relief, couch, book, tv, food, enema, fear, shower, fear, couch, book, tv, pill, relief, bed, hate, sleep, repeat.
I am amazed at my level of health considering the progression out disease. I am convinced that the best thing I have done is the diet and lifestyle. Every time I do something the oncologist wants me to do things get worse. Radiation sent things crazy. There is no profession I hate more. This hate is completely unfair but true.
I feel I am pretty much ready to die and yet despite finding new tumors what seems like every day (it is not that often) I don’t seem to be getting more sick. This seems a good thing, and mostly it is. But if there is one thing I been can not stand it is to degrade to nothing while still living. A broken mind in a healthy body and a healthy mind in a broken body is my worst nightmare. It terrifies me that if my situation gets so bad I am in constant pain nobody can help me end it. The laws in this country disgust me. I must admit my hope for survival is almost gone. I stay on the mp but I feel it’s too little too late.
In the end I am tired. Three years of this has drained me of all my reserves. I have been the main driving force and I am tired. So tired.
Melbourne next week. There is little I would want to do less. I hate it, I really hate it.