I sit in the hospital with oxygen flowing through a small plastic tube into my nose. All of a sudden people have caught onto the fact that I can not breath. Two weeks ago they saw oxygen levels at around 88% and they said take some deep breaths. Now they see it and say, “shit, that’s not good” and put me on oxygen.
The disease has spread throughout my lungs. I hear this and it is too much. I have gone through so much, I guess I just figured that dying would be the easy party. Now it looks like being the hardest part of all. Have I not been through enough? I know that is a stupid, question but I wanted so badly to live. None of this is fair, and it makes me angry. Why must this part be so hard? When did all of this happen?
Three years ago, almost to the day I climbed the largest single cliff in australia (not the most difficult). Today I sit here, and can’t even cry because it takes too much of my breath away. Death scares the shit out of me, the only thing that scares me nearly as much is living through this. I have nowhere to go. Nothing to fall back on. I just want to go home. I just want to be left alone.