I am a person of many flaws. Pride is one of the main ones, it must be admitted. I struggle to see people that I know want to see me because I can not bear to have them see me like this. I don’t them to remember me like this this, frail and afraid. I used to be so proud, and I guess I still am.
I hate this, I can not express how much I hate this. I want a break, even for an hour, a minute. Just a short time away from being me. Just a short time to be able to look at the beautiful things in the world and not be forced to think about the fact that I will never see them again. Just a short time to be able to enjoy the wind across my face, the content of a good book. As it is cancer has taken over every facet of my life and I struggle to shake it loose. I think I have managed to come across the way of dying (short of deliberate torture) that most destroys my soul, a long and painful, scary, and very conscious exit.
I have thought much on the best way to die. I must admit that I now believe about 5 minutes of warning for a person who has though long and hard about the meaning of life and death is ideal. It is enough time to say goodbye to those around you, but not enough time to be forced to linger around and be forced to watch yourself decline. I am not sure what form of death allows for this however it would be the one I chose. I have always been in support of euthanasia. However I never really spoke out about it because I always assumed it would be an issue that was sorted out by the time I needed it. Now I am sorly sorry that progress has not been faster. Although I would not go through such a process yet, the quality of my remaining life would be improved by knowing that when my situation became unbearable there was a dignified escape. Not a long drawn out suffering. I just wish that everybody could spend a day in my shoes, or someone like me. The foot dragging over this issue would disappear overnight. This makes me very sad.
I am having to see a lot of doctors at the moment. Even the nice doctors I hate seeing more than anything else. I just want to be left alone. I just want to be left in peace. I know that they are trying to help, and that they can help, but I hate it and it increases my stress levels and reduces my quality of life. It is a pity that it has had to come to this. I can’t help but feel that our healthcare system needs a bit of a shake up. There are too many specialists and not enough good doctors that can manage the overall care of a patient. At least that has seemed to be what has happened to me.
Anyway, enough for now.
When I see you, I see an incredibly courageous, strong, and amazing man whom I’m honoured, and proud, to know. I hope that you can feel proud of yourself too xoxo