Again and again climbing bites deep to the bone and hurts more than I can easily bare.  It is a new feeling, this loss without solution.  Throughout life I have come across loss, and I have never dealt with it well but I always fixed things somehow.

Now though I am better at dealing with grief and loss but there is genuinely no solution, and the problem, although it may seem small to many, really gets to me.

I see a picture, I remember climbing, the fact that I can no longer do it sits in my mind and grows.

I try and think of a solution, a way of reducing the pain.  But there is no solution.  I can not climb any more.

I sit here, impotent and hurting with nothing to do.  My mind, in desperation, turns to what must be an evolutionary trick, desperate violence.  I will take on impossible odds to get this thing that I have lost back.  So, angry and sad and hurting my logical mind restrains my instincts; I do nothing.

I am so angry at this loss that I want to break everything within sight, I want to smash everything and anything.  The destruction I would wreak on anything that stood in my way back to health and climbing would be biblical.

I want a solution.

But there is none.

Often I am ok with this.  Sometimes I don’t think I could be more angry.  And it is always climbing that brings it home.

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3 years

So, I won’t write much as I am fairly busy today, but it is a fairly important day that I feel the need to note quickly.  It is three years today since I was told I had a tumour in my abdomen.  It also notes the first time I have been sick for longer than not while dating Amelia.

I am not sure how exactly I feel about these things.  Clearly they are tempered by recent developments with the disease any my outlook.  I think it is impossible for me to view things in the same way that I could have 2 months ago.  I am proud to have survived three years.  I do think that my actions and attitude have had a great influence on my survival.  I am also incredibly proud and grateful that my relationship with Amelia has only become stronger through the struggle.  However I see what this disease has done to the people around me, especially those closest to me and it makes me very sad that it has now been happening for so long.  Obviously the alternative (that I die) is not one that I intend on taking up any time soon, however I can’t help but feel sad at how much damage something so small has managed to do.

Anyway, you know how it is, places to go people to see.  Hope everybody has a great weekend.

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Random nighttime thought

This is really random but I can just not understand the actions of people with HIV/AIDS that consciously infect others. Even if there is no malicious intent, just general disinterest in the person you are infecting. In my case I get a certain amount of satisfaction in knowing that in killing me this disease is ultimately destroying itself. Allowing it to pass on to someone else is like the ultimate defeat. Even as an IV drug user I would be so careful just up make sure that it stopped with me. br
Pretty random thought but what is a blog for if not to propagate whatever I am thinking, quickly, to people who I can only assume hang on every word. br
On that theme I am writing a short story. Two pages so far so its not about to hit the press however I find that if I mention stuff like this early I have an incentive to get off my arse and get stuff done. I suspect it will not be a best seller, its really just me letting my imagination run a bit. Seeing as I have no background in english at all (a slight understatement as anyone who tried to understand anything I wrote until I was 15 knows) we will have to wait and see how it turns out. But I am enjoying having something very small to do. br
I was also thinking if renting a nice cart and driving down to the coast with Amelia but it seems really hard to hire anything in canberra that has even a hint of “nice” in its nature. So if antibody is good at stealing nice cars let me know. br
Wow, random post. Sleep well folks.

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Have been feeling really sick. Very hard to get enthused about life. Am writing a short story though. Something I have been meaning to do for a while. Will update soon.

I just want to leave everything behind and start walking. Just see what happens. I would give everything to live in the back of a van at a cliff and climb. Such simple things and so readily available to everybody. What is wrong with this world. How is it that so few spend their lives doing things they love and so many do that that they hate for something they do not need. I want to shout to the masses but do few would listen. I would not have listened.

This is it. Do it now. You will not be here again.

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All is well

Amelia is back and all is well with the world.  Already I am calmer and more sane.  Life looks up.  I know it will probably only be brief but happiness is rare in the world and I will not turn my back on my slice of it. Happiness that is, not the world.

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Ah climbing, you are the perfect demo of loss.  You are all that has happened to me, you represent all my pain and joy.

I loved you, I really did.  It is strange to look back and think of loving an activity.  We say it all the time, “I love shopping”, “I love bushwalking”, but when we think about it is strange to say that you love an activity.  You love the way it makes you feel, the friends you meet, the memories it gives you.

I loved and love climbing.  It brought me far more happiness than any other activity in my life.  I discovered you too late, but at least I discovered you.

But now you are gone, and you will not be coming back.  I tried reasoning with you, convincing you to give me one more chance but the moment had passed, the spark had gone.  I will never climb again, and this makes me very sad.

I watch videos of all those I worshiped.  I still love the movement, it will just not come back for me.  I see them move and my muscles remember how they used to do the same, my palms sweat wanting to emulate.  But then I get up and hobble to the crutches that have moved from a convenience to a necessity, and I look at the pills that drag me from day to day and I remember that you are gone and I cry.

It is painful beyond belief to have have loved something so much and to see it go with no hope of return.  It is a prelude of everything else.  The only difference is that I am here to experience this, everything else will leave me when I leave myself.

When I die I will not die, the world will end.  When I lost climbing they made me watch and feel the pain.  And it hurts.

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I am a person of many flaws.  Pride is one of the main ones, it must be admitted.  I struggle to see people that I know want to see me because I can not bear to have them see me like this.  I don’t them to remember me like this this, frail and afraid.  I used to be so proud, and I guess I still am.

I hate this, I can not express how much I hate this.  I want a break, even for an hour, a minute.  Just a short time away from being me.  Just a short time to be able to look at the beautiful things in the world and not be forced to think about the fact that I will never see them again.  Just a short time to be able to enjoy the wind across my face, the content of a good book.  As it is cancer has taken over every facet of my life and I struggle to shake it loose.  I think I have managed to come across the way of dying (short of deliberate torture) that most destroys my soul, a long and painful, scary, and very conscious exit.

I have thought much on the best way to die.  I must admit that I now believe about 5 minutes of warning for a person who has though long and hard about the meaning of life and death is ideal.  It is enough time to say goodbye to those around you, but not enough time to be forced to linger around and be forced to watch yourself decline.  I am not sure what form of death allows for this however it would be the one I chose.  I have always been in support of euthanasia. However I never really spoke out about it because I always assumed it would be an issue that was sorted out by the time I needed it.  Now I am sorly sorry that progress has not been faster.  Although I would not go through such a process yet, the quality of my remaining life would be improved by knowing that when my situation became unbearable there was a dignified escape. Not a long drawn out suffering.  I just wish that everybody could spend a day in my shoes, or someone like me.  The foot dragging over this issue would disappear overnight.  This makes me very sad.

I am having to see a lot of doctors at the moment.  Even the nice doctors I hate seeing more than anything else.  I just want to be left alone.  I just want to be left in peace.  I know that they are trying to help, and that they can help, but I hate it and it increases my stress levels and reduces my quality of life.  It is a pity that it has had to come to this.  I can’t help but feel that our healthcare system needs a bit of a shake up.  There are too many specialists and not enough good doctors that can manage the overall care of a patient.  At least that has seemed to be what has happened to me.

Anyway, enough for now.


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