Sometimes I seek comfort in the idea that consciousness might not end with this life. It is not an idea I believe in strongly however it is something I consider possible. However just now something struck me, I take very little comfort from this. I don’t want to have my consciousness continue into some other form. I want to experience this life. I want to grow old with Amelia. I want to support my parents in their old age. I want to get to know my nephews and nieces when they are born. I want to have children with the woman I love and watch them grow up. I want to climb with the friends that I hold so dear. I want this life, I do not want another.
Today has been hard. I think there is disease in my lungs. It is possible its just some kind of chest infection but after so many “well it could be this or that” situations that always end up settling for the worse I am not holding out much hope. I can no longer say I am hopeful of surviving. I am going home to spend the night with my parents. As always I can reconcile myself to death, but I can not bear the thought of the degradation that must happen first.
Fuck this whole situation. It is 10 years since the 911 attacks. That means I know exactly what I was doing 10 years ago (give or take a few hours.) I was waking up and going to Radford most of the way through grade 10. Discovering that I wasn’t as clumsy with girls as I though. Deciding that life was something promising. Now, 10 years on I sit here, a broken shell, with probably less than 6 months to live. It is nobody’s fault. Mine is not the most tragic story but it is the only one I have. I do not know what to do. I do not know what to say. Life is not meant to be fair.
I am sad for the love and beauty that I will be leaving. I am sad for the people I love that I want so much to spend more time with. I am sad for all the missed opportunities.
I am sad.