I wish I could give my life for a worthy cause. Exploring space, or fighting the sex slave trade. It feels so worthless, like I’m standing outside a soy factory screaming to the heavens “there is slightly too much salt in your product, I demand you reduce it by 10%”. I just feel like I am expending a huge amount of energy over something that is doubtless true, but in the end both unimportant and boring. It compares to say, “how did he die? Didn’t tie his shoe laces and tripped and hit his head”. Truly and epically pointless. People have died for great causes. Martin Luther King, joan de arc, anyone who died in war trying to protect a friend and countless, countless others. Out seems I will not be one of them. I almost want a terrorist to throw a grenade into a crowd I am in so I can jump on it and at least save some lives. This is the kind of dangerous thinking that leads to firemen lighting fires so they can fight them. I just feel so unbelievably stupid. Not looking the correct way when crossing the street, storing rat poison in a salt shaker on my dining table, getting cancer in your mid twenties. Stupid.
I have thought about becoming a champion for euthanasia but for me to go down that path all hope would have to be gone, and at that point I will be very weak and probably unable to spare the energy. Then again maybe not. Certainly if I get through this it will be one area that I will put a lot of effort time into. Maybe I will have the energy. I’m not even sure what I would do. Nobody wants to think about young people dying. You just walk around a track, or grow your facial hair but nobody actually wants to think about death. It just reminds us that we all will die.
So I sit here watching infinite documentaries showing me high def pictures of places I would rather be. I would sacrifice the rest of my life for one day in a magic plane that could take me around the world seeing the wonders on my screen. End it all soaring into space and gazing down on the beautiful blue and green ball we live on. Then gently fading away, content. Sadly I don’t have enough left to give to get this, even if it were physically possible. Perhaps in my dreams as I slip towards death. Perhaps in death our soul can undergo such a journey. I giggle to myself; I should be so lucky.
So I will join the ever growing number of nameless young adults dying of a disease that increases in power as we fuel it with pollution, stress, smoking, bad diets and ignorance. It is the monster under the bed. It grows in the dark. It grows, unchecked, in our minds. It grows in ignorance and greed (the metaphor falls appear a bit here but life ifs not perfect.)
I will end here as my phone is playing up and I don’t want to lose the post. But things look good for the trial I am going on. Met all the criteria today so unless they find something wrong with my heart I will start in under two weeks. The drug is no magic bullet, but hopefully it will buy enough time for my body to do its thing.