I am so angry I could scream.
I am so desprate I could cry.
I am so depressed I could curl up in a ball and die.
I do not know what has happened. Where a week ago I had hope now I have none. Where a week ago I was happy now I am rarely. I feel as if everything has come down on me at once. I do not want to live out the rest of my life as my body deteriorates around me. I have never been one to consider suicide but I am so depressed that it has crossed my mind. In the end it is not something I could do to the people around me, but it gives you an insight into the desperation I feel that it came up at all.
I am fasting, that might well have something to do with the depression. It is sort of my Hail Mary move. So far it has done nothing. I have decided that due to the lack of progress I am going back on chemo and radio. I have to try and get my leg under control. Very soon it will be very bad. I am desperate. And Angry. And Sad. I am in tears every day, I can not muster the motivation to do anything. Without my parents and Amelia I do not know what I would do. This is not the end to my life that I imagined.
I am falling apart, there is no other way to describe it. And I don’t know what to do. I am ready to die, but I am not ready for 6 months of slow deterioration and humiliation and the hands of this disease. After all that I have done this would be too much. FUCK.